Experiencing God
“The beatings began when I was a boy,” Ed said. It was just the way my dad dealt with me. They were so regular, I expected them every day, with the worst ones being when He would come home drunk. It’s probably hard to imagine, but getting those beatings became a way of life for me. In those early years, I was consumed with shame, fear, and anger. And the older I became the more severe my anger grew, until I became extremely rebellious. I started doing drugs, and by the time I was fifteen, drugs and beer defined me.
“As soon as I turned sixteen, my dad kicked me out of the house. I had nowhere to go in the beginning so when it was cold, I’d jump into one of those Goodwill boxes where people drop off clothes and cover myself to keep warm. I quit school, got a job at a hamburger joint, then a job at a factory and was able to take care of myself at least a little. I still consumed a lot of beer and drugs before graduating to meth. My addiction to meth became so bad I couldn’t get out the door without it.
“After a while, I no longer wanted to live. At one point I had a loaded gun in my mouth but couldn’t pull the trigger. I moved from meth to PCP, and one time while high, I stopped breathing. In the midst of that moment, I saw Jesus. He said, ‘I love you.’
“I would like to say that everything was just fine after that, but I had a lot of things that needed to be healed and changed. Anger was my greatest challenge. After I cleaned up, I joined the Navy, got married, and became a father. Although I did a bit better than my dad in that I didn’t beat my kids, I did yell at them a lot. No matter how hard I tried to mask my anger, it would get out of control. It got to the point where my kids wouldn’t talk to me, and my wife said she’d had enough. Then I started going to church and attending a men’s group. I’d hear their stories of getting right with God and come away saying to myself, “I need that.” Finally, one day I decided I’d had enough of myself and hit my knees and begged God to help me. I sensed Him say to me, ‘I don’t want you to do anything, just leave it to me.’
“For some time after this prayer, I’d still have moments of rage, and when they’d happen I’d see it in my family’s eyes that they didn’t believe I was any different. Then I’d start to think they were probably right, which would get me hating myself again. But I’d sense the Holy Spirit near in these tough times, and He would comfort me and tell me that even though it didn’t seem like it, I was changing into what He wanted me to be. And as time passed, little by little, day by day, my heart began to soften, and I began to change the way I spoke. It didn’t take long after this for my wife and kids to notice the difference.
“So much has happened since then. I ended up going to Bible college, learned how to love and be loved, learned how to forgive. One of the greatest miracles happened just before my dad passed away. We were able to talk. I told him I forgave him. We cried, hugged, and all the pain and resentment were completely gone. That’s how God works. If you are like me, you try for years to put new stuff on top of old stuff, and it doesn’t work. I needed a complete demolition of me. That is when the changes began to come into play. One of the big lessons I learned is that God loves you where you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay where you are. I encourage you to ask the Holy Spirit to teach you, heal you, and change. I promise you He will.”
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The above was an excerpt from a testimony by one of the men at our church. I’m a firm believer in experiencing God. The people I see a real change in all have an example or two that involves an encounter where God made Himself known. It might be a bit more subtle than seeing Jesus and hearing His voice during a moment where we’ve stopped breathing, but we’ve all had something take place. It might be a sense of God’s presence, or a revelation of His love, or an eye-opening moment where we realize we are helpless without Him. What excites me the most is that the longer I live and the more I live in awareness of His presence, the more ways I see God involved all around me.
Ed didn’t just get his personal life restored with his family. He is now mentoring and sharing with men what God has brought him through. It is a messy world out there. A lot of people going the wrong way, doing the wrong things, bent on self-destruction, and feeling hopeless. For those of us who know God, we have a role to play. It is as simple as giving others hope by sharing how we have experienced Him. Often, all they need is a little nudge in order to start trying to know God for themselves.